Gabriel Köerner is one of the profilees featured in TREKKIES. Below is a diary entry that Gabriel forwarded to us. We hope you enjoy it as much as we did....

TALES OF THE DREW CAREY SHOW
by Gabriel Köerner
March, 2001

Sometimes being a lifetime geek can bring nothing but scorn and mockery, and sometimes it can yield so much morbid curiosity from the public at large that it brings fantastic and unbelievable opportunity.

One such opportunity was bestowed upon me recently: A guest appearance on "The Drew Carey Show."

I'll start at the beginning. A couple of months ago, I attended a test screening in West Los Angeles for a film that "Trekkies" director Roger Nygard had edited. Also at the screening was Denise Crosby, who mentioned that she had recently appeared on "The Drew Carey Show" and found out that the cast and crew were big fans of "Trekkies" and that Drew had been giving out video copies to friends. Denise also mentioned that Drew was a personal fan of mine. "Gee," I thought, "I can count big stars among MY fans. How interesting."

And then another call from Denise came some weeks later, telling me that I was about to receive a call from the casting director of "The Drew Carey Show." They wanted me to do a guest appearance! I was stunned. Drew Carey is one of my favorite comedians and his show is one of the few half-hour network comedies I like. The opportunity to appear on such a fine show was breathtaking. When the casting director called, I eagerly accepted the role.

My first meeting with the cast was at the first round-table script reading on the set. There, out of wardrobe and makeup and looking suitably frumpy were the talented ensemble. At the table, they'd already taken the liberty of printing a name card for my chair.

My apprehension wore off quickly, as the cast was open and disarming. Drew himself even came over to shake my hand and personally introduce me to the cast and crew.

The following Friday, I returned to the set for my first day of "work." I use the term "work" very lightly. It's more like the Eden incarnate in a workplace. The first thing that happened was that I was directed to my trailer outside. There, I found a space that I seriously wouldn't mind paying to live in (lord knows it'd be cheaper than my bloodsucking apartment in the Warner Center of Woodland Hills...), complete with bathroom, shower, couch, TV, VCR, fridge, and stereo. It was even adorned by a nice bouquet sent over by Drew.

I didn't spend terribly much time in my trailer, though, because I had bad mental images of the AD's scrambling around the set searching for me for a scene. I wanted to be right there when they needed me. That, and since my aspirations are in production, I wanted to be unobtrusively off on the sidelines, to observe everything as a learning experience--and I learned a great deal.
The one thing I wasn't prepared for was how much the script can drastically change in just a few hours. Rewrites were coming in aplenty. I had assumed these teleplays were written and final drafted long in advance, but in reality they like to let it evolve naturally. They start with a basic framework, and based on the reactions of cast, crew, and visitors of the set, adjust the gags to what the outside onlookers feel works best.

An interesting anecdote begins in wardrobe. My character is a young, precocious Trekkie, and the original intention was for me to have worn a red Classic Star Trek uniform. However, after they made up four very fine replicas (as a very picky fan, especially overly nitpicky and anal about the uniforms, I was actually very impressed), Paramount decided to be a little on the not-so-nice side and forbid them from using them.

It was at this point that they decided, "Hey, 'Babylon 5' is a Warner Brothers property, lets break out some of those...." So they dug up some Earth Alliance uniforms--which were actually extremely impressive. Finding a studio original that fit me perfectly was both exhilarating and heartbreaking, as there was no way that costume would EVER leave the WB lot.

Sadly, third parties put the kibosh on using the B5 wardrobe as well. What eventually happened? Well, you'll have to check out the episode! (First ABC airdate: March 28, 2001) How's THAT for a plug and a segue'?

Another thing I will always remember about that set is the Craft Services. For those who don't know, Craft Services refers to the table (in this case, many tables) of complimentary catered food on the set for principal actors. Drew himself revealed that even though they go over budget constantly, they are the best fed cast on television--and it shows. I myself gained seven pounds after the three day shoot. No joke. From incredible cuts of meat to decadent chowders to LARGE amounts of all sorts of desserts, it was nothing but a den of sin and Epicurean gluttony back at Craft Services. I have no idea how those waify thin actresses manage to steer clear of it....

At the start of my third and last day on the set, after rewrites, the craziness in wardrobe, and a LOT of food consumption, I was required to do some ADR dialogue looping with the cast. Sitting in the recording studio with them was an interesting experience. Ryan Stiles and Deidrich Bader were debating Hong Kong movies; Kathy Kinney and Christa Miller were relatively quiet; and Drew Carey and Craig Ferguson were toping each other with anecdotes about unpleasant visits to the doctor's office. Craig Ferguson found a line of dialogue in the script which contained the words "Big Bald Gingersnap" amusing and broke out into an impromptu Gilbert and Sullivan style song with those words as the main lyric. After a minute or so, the cast and I had just lost it and joined in as well. Takes were blown all across the board by everything from stomach rumbling (which caused the cast to open the next tape with mock stomach rumbles and even some fart sounds) to Drew busting up at one of Craig Ferguson's amusingly over-the-top lines. I grabbed a blueberry muffin and took a golf cart back to the set.

And then the live action principal photography began.
Because this episode involved a viewer contest, many things were NOT filmed in front of a studio audience. However, my role was. But when cameras rolled and everyone patted me on the back, I found the audience not a hindrance at all but a means of confidence: even if they're laughing at your gag because a "Laugh Now" light is on (which, by the way, are not used on Drew Carey unlike a lot of other situation comedies. The writing on "Drew" is strong enough that audience reaction is always genuine), it still gives you enough confidence that you can make it through without apprehension.

The shoot was a long one. It didn't wind down until two in the morning, and when I left, I had a certain sense of sadness, knowing that the gig was over, I'd collected my check, and it was time to go home. And then I looked at my check and the sadness was over. $2,200 for five lines! That's $440 per line, or $55 per word. But I will always remember the kindness and support I received on the set, and Drew's personal direction to me to make it my performance, to make it the best it could be. They are wonderful and talented individuals on that set and should the opportunity to ever work with them again arise, in front of or behind the camera, I'd drop everything and do it in a heartbeat.

As always I can be reached at gckoerner@yahoo.com for any queries you may have. Thanks again!

Gabriel C. Köerner